Do you 'man-up' or do you 'put your big girl's pants on'?

Photo 'Mountains to Climb' by Lisa Buckingham

Do you 'man-up' or do you 'put your big girl's pants on'?

I’ve heard the phrase ‘man-up’ several times over the last couple of weeks and this got me thinking about what it means. To me there’s a suggestion that being a man means to be ‘strong’, to not show or experience difficult emotions such as sadness, crying, depression, to not be compassionate and to get on without making a fuss. I began to mentally log other phrases we often say to ourselves or which might be said to us, like ‘pull yourself together,’ ‘get a grip’ or ‘get over it’. I noticed my amusement at some of the female versions, ‘being a big girl’s blouse,’ ‘big girls don’t cry’ and ‘put my big girl’s pants on.’ Can someone please tell me what ‘big girl’s pants’ are?  So it's not just men that are expected to have a ‘stiff upper lip.’ Even my ageing Labrador got the 'don’t be such a wuss' treatment this morning, as I was trying to coax her into her car harness which she hates. 

This kind of self-talk is a way of forcing yourself to carry and push through when life becomes difficult. Let’s face it, phrases like this have become a normal part of the English language. What’s wrong with using them, well if you talk to yourself in this way, the message is that it’s not ok to struggle or experience and express difficult emotions like sadness, anger, disappointment, fear or anxiety. Emotions can sometimes feel overwhelming and you might fear being judged for not coping, so minimising or suppressing difficult emotions is a way of avoiding connecting with your feelings and not letting others know how you really feel. You might be shocked on becoming aware of just how little self-compassion you give to yourself and think it will be impossible to change, as this is probably something you’ve done for a long time. My suggestion is not to be hard on yourself, for being hard on yourself! 

I was surprised when I first realised how little self-compassion I gave to myself and believe me, it took a long time for me to become fully aware of this because my critical voice was so subtle, I hardly knew it was there. As a counsellor and in my personal life I work hard at being compassionate towards others, mostly it comes naturally, sometimes it’s a bit more challenging and I dig a bit deeper but generally I find it much easier to give to others than myself and I’m sure many people in caring professions will relate to this.   

Mindfulness is a way you can help yourself and you could try this very short practice. Try not to judge yourself for thinking unhelpful thoughts, just notice and be present with them, take a breath in through your nose, notice how it feels as the breath passes through your nostrils, down your throat, filling your chest and lungs, you may be able to feel it filling your tummy as it expands and then notice how it feels as you breathe out through your mouth. You could try imagining breathing the words out along with your out breath, as a way of letting the harsh words go.

Be gentle with yourself, self-compassion can be challenging if you’ve been hard on yourself for a long time and it might seem like you have a mountain to climb. Finding a supportive therapist, joining a mindfulness group or joining a mindfulness self-compassion course are some of the ways that you could support yourself.