Tides of Grief

Grieving is universal, something that we will all do at some time and is not restricted to the death of a loved one.  Throughout your lifetime you will go through the grieving process for various reasons, possibly without even realising because it is triggered by something you don’t relate to loss.  As human beings we become attached to people, pets, marriage, job, wealth, home, health to name just a few.  Some losses are processed without too much difficulty and you might have an awareness of some difficult thoughts or feelings such as anger, sadness, relief, guilt, confusion or depression.  Some losses are more difficult to bear or accept and this can depend on your relationship with whatever or whoever it is that has gone from your life and the circumstances surrounding the loss.  For instance, if someone you know dies, and you are taken by surprise at how sad you feel, it might be because a loved one died several years ago and you were unable to grieve for that person at that time.  Layers of grief can build up, just like any emotion that is unexpressed can amass until it can no longer be repressed and eventually starts to seep out when the container becomes full and overflows.   

Attachment also influences your reactions to loss.  Your early relationships and emotional bond with your parents or caregivers and whether your needs for safety and security were met can have an effect.  For example, if your mother was unable to meet your needs through physical or mental health problems, if you were separated from your family, or your family moved around a lot due to a parent’s job and you had to continuously make new friends, this might have an impact on how you form relationships and how you manage change and loss. 

The stages you go through are not clearly defined or linear and there is no right or wrong way to grieve.  There is no time limit on grieving, so it is important not to judge yourself or others who are grieving.  I have often heard people say they think they are weird because they talk to the person that has died but this is not unusual.  Grieving is something that we all do in our own way and there may be common links with other peoples’ experiences, thoughts and feelings but we all have our own story to tell, picture to paint or book to write.  When a parent dies, the siblings may grieve very differently because the relationship they have or the way they relate to a parent is different and unique to each person, whether it was a loving or a difficult relationship.  Your response to the death of a loved one and the way you cope with your grief can vary enormously.  Some people express their sadness openly, others are more private and the type of funeral we choose varies from a non-religious celebration of life to a religious service fitting of that person’s faith.

No matter how you grieve, you never get over the death of a person you love, you eventually adjust to life without them and carry on living in the best way that you can. Your grief may sometimes take you by surprise when you hear a song, see or smell something that brings memories.  People sometimes describe grief as coming in waves of sadness, anger, fear, or whatever is present, sometimes as gentle swells that wash over and quickly and quietly recede, leaving no trace other than ripples in the sand and at other times arriving as huge crashing breakers that overwhelm and smash against the stones dumping debris and foam, leaving the person feeling lonely, vulnerable and raw in that moment.  Some people say the pain never totally goes and feels like a constant ache.  Low mood that lasts for short periods of time and more debilitating depression can be a normal part of grieving.  Sometimes grief can be more complex or complicated, you may feel ‘stuck’ in your grief and have difficulty processing how you feel or what has happened.  Notice any judgments or critical thoughts you have about yourself at these times and soften any harshness with kind thoughts, actions and self-compassion.  Access any support that is available.  It is normal to grieve but if you feel you are really struggling and need help and support, counselling with a trained bereavement counsellor will help.  If it is difficult for you to fund private therapy, a bereavement charity might be able to offer you counselling, or if you have had contact with a local hospice throughout your loved one’s illness or at the end of their life, they may be able to offer you support.  Taking care of yourself, physically, psychologically and emotionally will help you to build resilience and find a way of adjusting to your loss.

There are many books that explain attachment theory, the grieving process and the stages that a person might go through.  I haven’t gone into depth in this article but some people find it helpful to access this knowledge, as it normalises their grief.  If you do, you may find that one theory does not feel relevant to you or that only bits of it make sense and that’s ok.  After all, they are only theories and one size does not fit all.  I have written this article to help people gain understanding.  This comes from my personal experience and work as a counsellor.  I hope that you find it interesting and helpful in some way.

Lisa Buckingham

24th February 2018