Do you 'man-up' or do you 'put your big girl's pants on'?
Photo 'Mountains to Climb' by Lisa Buckingham |
Do you 'man-up' or do you 'put your big girl's pants on'?
I’ve heard the phrase ‘man-up’ several times over the last couple of weeks and
this got me thinking about what it means. To me there’s a suggestion that
being a man means to be ‘strong’, to not show or experience difficult emotions
such as sadness, crying, depression, to not be compassionate and to get on
without making a fuss. I began to mentally log other phrases we often say
to ourselves or which might be said to us, like ‘pull yourself together,’ ‘get
a grip’ or ‘get over it’. I noticed my amusement at some of the female
versions, ‘being a big girl’s blouse,’ ‘big girls don’t cry’ and ‘put my big
girl’s pants on.’ Can someone please tell me what ‘big girl’s pants’ are?
So it's not just men that are expected to have a ‘stiff upper
lip.’ Even my ageing Labrador got the 'don’t be such a wuss' treatment
this morning, as I was trying to coax her into her car harness which she
hates.
This kind of self-talk is a way of forcing yourself to carry and push
through when life becomes difficult. Let’s face it, phrases like this have
become a normal part of the English language. What’s wrong with using
them, well if you talk to yourself in this way, the message is that it’s not ok
to struggle or experience and express difficult emotions like sadness, anger,
disappointment, fear or anxiety. Emotions can sometimes feel overwhelming
and you might fear being judged for not coping, so minimising or suppressing
difficult emotions is a way of avoiding connecting with your feelings and not
letting others know how you really feel. You might be shocked on becoming
aware of just how little self-compassion you give to yourself and think it will
be impossible to change, as this is probably something you’ve done for a long
time. My suggestion is not to be hard on yourself, for being hard on yourself!
I was surprised when I first realised how little self-compassion I gave to
myself and believe me, it took a long time for me to become fully aware of this
because my critical voice was so subtle, I hardly knew it was there. As a
counsellor and in my personal life I work hard at being compassionate towards
others, mostly it comes naturally, sometimes it’s a bit more challenging and I
dig a bit deeper but generally I find it much easier to give to others than
myself and I’m sure many people in caring professions will relate to this.
Mindfulness is a way you can help yourself and you could try this very short
practice. Try not to judge yourself for thinking unhelpful thoughts, just
notice and be present with them, take a breath in through your nose, notice how
it feels as the breath passes through your nostrils, down your throat, filling
your chest and lungs, you may be able to feel it filling your tummy as it
expands and then notice how it feels as you breathe out through your
mouth. You could try imagining breathing the words out along with your out
breath, as a way of letting the harsh words go.
Be gentle with yourself, self-compassion can be challenging if you’ve been
hard on yourself for a long time and it might seem like you have a mountain to
climb. Finding a supportive therapist, joining a mindfulness group or
joining a mindfulness self-compassion course are some of the ways that you
could support yourself.
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